Address delivered 23 September 2024, St Alban's Church (Cardiff Oratory), Cardiff at the Requiem Mass of Helen Hathaway (My mum)
Helen Maureen Parry was born in 1952 in Wrexham. She was the much-loved daughter of Dilwyn and Nancy Parry and sister to Graham, Robert and Richard. She’s remembered by her brothers as someone kind and clever – perhaps also a little bit sassy. Mum went to Grove Park Grammar School and then on to Cardiff University to study theology. It was there that she caught the attention of many but, especially, that of David Hathaway. They soon became engaged and the course for a lifetime together was set. She was seemingly unaware that she enchanted everyone and she was loved by all of the Hathaway clan as one of their own.
In her adult life, outside of the family, she fulfilled many roles. She worked in a hospital, at the gas board and as a teaching assistant, working with children with additional learning needs. She was also a carer for her mother. But, of course, she is most well known for her role as a clergy wife. Even in her capacity as the wife of a parish priest, Mum always considered herself a parishioner first and foremost. Her contribution to Parish life was extensive but not always to the fore and often her support would be of the quiet kind - maybe watching Gardener’s World or Doc Martin with Dad, creating a haven at home for him and us all. Mum showed us that God’s work could be done through small gestures or in the quietness. She was, in so many ways, extraordinary in her ordinariness
Helen was at the key moments in so many people’s lives, both joyous and sad, and she saw it as a privilege and one she took seriously. Many people have shared those personal memories in the beautiful cards and letters sent. Adjectives used to describe her include serene, graceful, kind, warm, self-effacing and gentle. She was sometimes even described as a Godly woman. Even in her final weeks, the hospital staff at UHW called her “Lovely Helen”. It may surprise you to know that she rarely viewed herself the way so many others did. Letters would be drafted repeatedly, messages checked, and conversations recounted in her head and, where appropriate, with us, to check for any chance her words might somehow land the wrong way. She always seemed amazed that people liked her. But she made it look effortless, even to those of us who witnessed the swan analogy at work.
So where do we go from here as a family? One of my favourite movie quotes is from the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It is a quote I thought about a lot following the loss of our daughter and I think about it now. Three generations of women are sitting in the bedroom talking about the future before the wedding when the mother of the bride, Maria, turns to her daughter, Toula, and says …. “I gave you life so that you could live it”. I know I can speak for my brothers, Peter, and Patrick - for Theo, Emma and Miranda, that we commit to living our lives in the way that she would want us to. We will love and nurture our children, her grandchildren, Chrissa, Gabriel, Zadie, Lyra and Ronan in the way that Mum and Dad have loved us and continue to love us now. Even in death, Mum is with our daughter, Anastacia, and we are confident that they are reunited in Christ. Indeed, her name means Resurrection in Greek and Mum’s name, Helen, means light. Mum delighted in all her grandchildren, and she said that she was so grateful to have lived long enough to meet them all despite enduring cancer treatment for almost a tenth of her life.
We promise that we will take care of Dad until he is called to join her. Looking around the church today, we are comforted by so many people, family, friends, parishioners, and clergy from across God’s Holy Church – your presence is a reminder that we are not alone in that duty of care. Growing up and living in a vicarage teaches you that the magnitude of Dad’s loss is such an everyday occurrence, but it is no less difficult to imagine and seems impossibly hard to bear. Their marriage has always been one of example, mutual sacrifice, full of love, whilst imperfect, and with all the normal human failings, big and small, that required each other’s forgiveness. Christ’s presence and the metaphor of His relationship with His Church were evident in their marriage, in the good times and hard, and they can be proud of their life together as one well-lived.
Dad has lost the earthly presence of his partner, confidante, and companion, not just personally, but also in his vocation. Our Faith, however, teaches us that she will be at the altar with him as he says Mass and her influence will continue to be felt throughout his Ministry and, of course, in his very important role as Dad and Grandad. We are so very proud of him for the work he has done and for the person that he is. In her final weeks, months and even days, Mum would frequently speak of her gratitude for the care he showed her. If she didn’t get around to telling you, Dad – she was so amazed by you and grateful. As we all enter a new era in our lives our Faith reassures us of brighter days ahead, and, although they may seem far away right now, we will navigate the road with optimism and gratitude because of all the love that she gave us.
And so, as she would want, we now turn to focus on the Mass in celebration of the Faith that gave her such strength and so that we can give thanks to God for the most precious life of Helen Maureen Hathaway.
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